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Recent work with exploring gratitude and forgiveness as well as contentment and amusement seems to indicate that concentrating on these life tasks has a
beneficial effect on our emotional and physical well-being. Alcoholics Anonymous has included forgiveness work as part of their program since the 1930s.
Obviously, letting go of problematic emotional baggage frees energy that can be used in a more beneficial way.
Professor Bruce Smith of the University of New Mexico is interested in the factors that promote resilience, positive adaptation, and good health. He suggests that
these factors are & emotion regulation, emotional disclosure, gratitude, meaning and purpose, mindfulness meditation, spirituality and religion, and finding benefits
or posttraumatic growth (http://pysch.unm.edu). Regulating our emotions has a cycling effect. When we calm ourselves, we feel competent and in control, which is
calming as well. From this, we learn that we have the ability to cope well in emotionally charged situations. Learning that we are resilient actually increases our
conscious resilience and self-confidence.
Let's go back to Pearline Chambers, the senior hurricane survivor. After reading the newspaper article, we can risk certain assumptions. It is likely that she
learned through life experiences that she should persevere (she kept attempting to climb into her attic) and that she had the ability to persevere. A mere two weeks
after the hurricane, Ms. Chambers reports feeling fine. She was able to bounce back from her ordeal. She is now living with her family on higher ground.
Therefore, we can presume that she accepts assistance from her support system. She experienced two major stressors: the storm and the need to move away from
her home. According to the newspaper article, she lost her false teeth, her wig and her cats. Yet, she was able to look back at her experience and take
responsibility for her decisions. She said she has nobody but my stubborn self to blame for ignoring hurricane warnings and refusing to flee New Orleans. In
accepting responsibility, Ms. Chambers, a truly remarkable woman, also acknowledged the power and control she has in her life.
Resilience Factors
The good news is that it is possible to enhance our resilience, and research indicates that the following behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes will help:
" Ability to bounce back
" Accepting assistance from one's support system
" Accepting responsibility for one's decisions (which is not the same as blaming)
" Perseverance
" Acknowledging one's personal power
" Experiencing challenging situations and coping well
" Regulating emotions
" Disclosing emotions
" Showing gratitude
" Forgiveness
" Enjoying and acknowledging the positives in life (i.e., amusement)
" Contentment
" Spirituality
" Meaning and purpose
" Finding benefits in distressing situations
This, of course, is not an exhaustive list. Start anywhere on the list, add some of your own, and work toward exceptional self-confidence and competence. There
is a strong negative correlation between genuinely appreciating yourself and not allowing anyone to misuse you. In other words, as your I like me index goes up,
the misuse you will tolerate plummets.
How can you become more resilient? Learn to forgive, which does not mean that you must or should condone. Find the benefits in your darkest life experiences,
even if the benefit is simply surviving it that is a strength. Search for spirituality; you will find what you are looking for. Discover contentment in your life. This is
the philosophy of a content individual, as described by Paul Wong, Ph.D.
They are able to forgive all those who have hurt them, even without any apology from their abusers.
They are happy with what they have and who they are, but also strive to fulfill their potentials and responsibilities.
They accept their place in the world, and yet they strive to overcome obstacles and pursue their calling.
What more could we ask than the opportunity to fulfill our potential? You have certainly overcome obstacles. The focus is on you, not on your mate. Your
choices will determine the life you live and with whom you share that unique gift. You have the power to create a life that reflects who you are and what is
important to you. Your spirit cannot be manipulated nor can it be controlled.
Remember, you only have as much control in your relationship as your mate will give to you. You have complete control over your behavior and more control
than you realize over your emotions and thoughts.
Since you can control you, why not start now? We have today, but we cannot be certain of anything beyond that point. A sense of control is calming, so take
control over those elements of life that you can control: your thoughts, your reactions, and your behaviors. Healthy decisions affect your physical well-being as well
as your perceived emotional well-being. You know how to be healthy: Eat more fruits and vegetables, exercise each day, eat lean meats and fish, enjoy an adequate
support system, and learn and use relaxation techniques (such as deep breathing, yoga, meditation, relaxation/guided imagery, biofeedback). A healthy body copes
with stress at optimal levels. Besides, healthy is beautiful.
CHAPTER 13
Don't Fall into the
Manipulation Trap
Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for.
Johnny Depp
MANIPULATION IS A CONTAGIOUS DISEASE, much more dangerous than the flu because it can endure for a lifetime. If you live with a manipulative man you don't
have to worry about his artful ploys to control your behavior. You will know how to identify them after reading this book. Once you recognize manipulation for
what it really is, it loses all power to influence you. The true danger is in acquiring your mate's disease and using manipulation as an inoculation against his
dishonest and unfair tactics.
What if you also grew up in a family in which manipulation reined as the coping technique of choice? If you were not taught to be assertive, honest, and
straightforward you would not have understood your man's manipulation as the insidious ploy that it was. Now you understand. No matter, if you learned
manipulation long ago, or simply caught it when your mate sneezed, it is limiting your life in some fundamental ways. Intimate relationships are built on a
foundation of knowing your partner. The definition of knowing is, possessing knowledge, information, or understanding and suggestive of secret or private
knowledge.
You do not know a manipulative man; he has worked diligently at spinning a web of contradictions, confusion, and falsehoods. Without knowing him you
You do not know a manipulative man; he has worked diligently at spinning a web of contradictions, confusion, and falsehoods. Without knowing him you
cannot trust him to be truthful or consistent, and most manipulations have an element of verbal dishonesty. You might be reluctant to be vulnerable with him.
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